tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post1384616107636008406..comments2024-01-22T00:55:41.067-08:00Comments on Thinking Got Loud: Press on the Brake! - An essay on anger and temperRam Muralihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15932557588480669430noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-31749832214211620482017-03-02T10:45:52.432-08:002017-03-02T10:45:52.432-08:00Thank you, Ravishanker. I once told Anu Hasan tha...Thank you, Ravishanker. I once told Anu Hasan that I find writing to be "cathartic." It sometimes is :)Ram Muralihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15932557588480669430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-70921333912769196582017-03-02T08:31:14.747-08:002017-03-02T08:31:14.747-08:00Ram : Was wondering where you get all the emotiona...Ram : Was wondering where you get all the emotional and nervous energy to do such introspection. Simply awesome !<br /><br />When I do introspection its basically to wallow in self pity and conjure up an imaginary scenario which will never happen.Zolahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09347849134451149946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-39507937032693770382017-02-25T22:30:42.442-08:002017-02-25T22:30:42.442-08:00Ha Ha Havent heard Anu's voice but its coming ...Ha Ha Havent heard Anu's voice but its coming through loud and clear in her comment:) Way to go Anu !Zolahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09347849134451149946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-86478724101885339152017-02-25T08:02:08.054-08:002017-02-25T08:02:08.054-08:00Anu - Some very, very deep and thoughtful remarks ...Anu - Some very, very deep and thoughtful remarks there. Thank you.<br />When I wrote about the "mature conversation," I referred to that as a better solution for the person who is angry. The conversation has to be initiated by the person who is angry (not the other person) as a way of expressing hurt or offense. I don't know if it works for everyone but it certainly has for me. When someone says something offensive, I try to see if I can converse in a mature manner about what is hurting me. There are times when that doesn't happen, when I react impulsively. When that happens, I genuinely feel bad for having hurt someone with my words or how loud I was. <br /><br />"No one has the 'right' to lose their tempers. But since when have feelings become 'rights'?"<br />--> Fair point. What I was trying to express, and maybe I didn't do a good job of, was to say that anger is that feeling that is evoked within when something or someone hurts, offends or insults us. We have every right to have that "feeling" of anger. But if temper is the "expression of anger," then I don't want to think that I have the "right" to exhibit short-tempered behavior. Because it honestly breaks my heart to see someone tell me later that my temper was too much to take. That's what I wrote about earlier when I said that I don't want to feel less loved because of that.<br /><br />"I do not aspire to a halo. :)"<br />--> Ha ha! From my perspective, I have had enough temper tantrums in my youth and even my adult years (to a lesser extent) to ensure that I will never get a halo even when I am 80! But my intent is to set a tall enough goal that even if I don't reach it, I - and more importantly, my loved ones - can get comfort out of the fact that I am continually working towards becoming a better person and that the temper tantrums are few and far between and also not completely unreasonable.Ram Muralihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15932557588480669430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-80358949429491807932017-02-24T18:37:41.434-08:002017-02-24T18:37:41.434-08:00When I'm angry, Ram, I advise you not to come ...When I'm angry, Ram, I advise you not to come near me with <i>'a mature conversation that addresses what disturbs, bothers or offends you.'</i><br /><br />Seriously. :) <br /><br />No one has the 'right' to lose their tempers. But since when have feelings become 'rights'? I think you conflate two things. Is it good to always keep losing your temper? No. If everything is going to make you angry, or lose your temper, you have a serious problem and you need to be working on it. <br /><br />But if you lose your temper once in a while, at least speaking for myself, I'm perfectly okay having you blow up, and dealing with the fall out. If I lose my temper, I expect my husband to know what is driving that anger, and work with me to deal with whatever it is that is causing that emotion. <br /><br />I'm not perfect. I'm flawed and honestly, I'm okay with being flawed. My life is messy, complicated, confusing; it's filled with laughter and tears, anger and yes, fights, lots of love and trust. And underlying all of it, there's a respect for each other as individuals, not just as husband or wife. I will never, even in anger, insult my husband, or speak down to him. I do not play games, do not manipulate. But if I'm angry about something, I will either go away until I calm down (in which case, do NOT follow me to 'deal with it'), or I will blow up. If undeserved, I *will* apologise. No conditions. <br /><br />Of course, all this goes back to my previous comment - if I'm going to be touchy about everything, then the problem is me. If I'm getting angry at something or somebody at odd points, then I'm human. I'm perfectly fine being human. I do not aspire to a halo. :) [Long thesis. Sorry!]Anu Warrierhttps://anuradhawarrier.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-76343483887125341332017-02-24T12:29:49.004-08:002017-02-24T12:29:49.004-08:00Ravishanker / Anu - thank you for your comments. ...Ravishanker / Anu - thank you for your comments. You have both raised an interesting point about "seething resentment" and "silently stewing over a perceived injustice." <br /><br />So, I added one line in the last paragraph of my write-up (see text in bold below) - If someone gives me grief on something that I consider a core element of my being, then I have the right to become angry, even if I don’t have the license to lose my temper. <b> Instead, what would be more apropos would be a mature conversation that addresses what disturbed, bothered or offended me. </b> <br /><br />I sincerely feel like there are certain core elements of one's being that one must be protective about. That is where a bit of calmness in expressing one's anger is even worth it, from what I have seen. Outside of certain things that truly define me as a person, I really have gotten more tolerant of something rude or offensive. You both will remember the nasty comments that led to my exiting Rangan's blog. As offensive as those comments were, it was not something that really riled me up to the point that I felt the need to have an outburst. It mattered but just didn't matter <i>enough.</i> That's what I was getting at in the last paragraph. To internalize when it's not a big deal and to calmly express feelings when hurt or offended are really the only two ways that I would give myself license for.<br /><br />I'd love to hear your thoughts more on this...Ram Muralihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15932557588480669430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-60510656871590600922017-02-24T10:27:51.981-08:002017-02-24T10:27:51.981-08:00I'd much rather have a burst of temper than so...I'd much rather have a burst of temper than someone silently stewing over a perceived injustice, or worse, holding a grudge for years. <br /><br /><i>thappad se dar nahin lagta saab</i> :) I can take temper, I can't take temper tantrums. Anu Warrierhttp://anuradhawarrier.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-332491328939495514.post-85391650242487212122017-02-24T01:38:44.236-08:002017-02-24T01:38:44.236-08:00Ram Murali :"the cleverest thing that a class...Ram Murali :"the cleverest thing that a classmate could do was to put his hand above and behind another friend’s head and strike a ‘rettai elai’ pose as though he was campaigning for the AIADMK"<br /><br />For some reason that made me laugh like hell and I became nostalgic at the same time. My son used to do that a helluva lot.<br /><br />But it was a cleverly disguised slower one.<br /><br />You've really anticipated the reader's state of mind with 'rest assured that I'm not going to pontificate on the benefits of yoga" and that's a cracker of an analogy. Highly representative of your writing which conjures up images and glues the reader.<br /><br />Sometimes it may be a blessing to have a temper rather than one of sow rages which builds over time and causes seething resentment. Well thats my problem and needs much reflection like what went into this article.<br /><br />Great writing !Zolahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09347849134451149946noreply@blogger.com