Once upon a time, there was an actress named Saritha

More than one review of the recently released “Kabali” mentioned the age gap between Rajnikanth and his lead pair Radhika Apte and that the latter looked just way too young to be the Super Star’s wife.  Beside these reviews were interviews with director Ranjith who mentioned the Rajni from “Mullum Malarum” (1978) as a character that he admired a lot.  That set me thinking of the actresses that acted with Rajni in the early phase of his career.  It was like a telephone directory on the S page - Srividya, Shoba, Sripriya, Sridevi, Saritha.  That last name – Saritha.

My mind refused to go past Saritha.  Two specific moments kept popping up in my mind for the next few minutes.  The first was a scene from the unforgettable “Agni Saatchi” where she played a troubled wife with a horrific past.  There was a scene where she confronts Rajnikanth (playing himself, in a cameo) in his house after watching the movie ‘AvargaL’ (where Rajni played a sadistic husband) in a theatre.  Her performance in that scene was symptomatic of a lot of what made Saritha a standout actress.  Firstly, she could play a dramatic scene with complete conviction, without seeming theatrical.  Secondly, she was not only endowed with large, powerful eyes but knew exactly how to use them.  And finally, she was a master at playing mercurial characters.  Her expressive face and complete control of body language meant that she could play her roles at a pitch that was just perfect for the role.  

The second moment that I could not manage to get off my mind was the scene in “Vedham Pudhidhu” where she welcomes an orphaned Brahmin kid into her house.  As the kid hesitates for a moment, she says, “Endha koviluku ponaalum ellaa saamiyum onnu theyn, endha veetuku ponaalum ellaa thaayum onnu theyn…vaa rasa.”  Now, if you’ve seen “Vedham Pudhidhu,” you will know that this line is uttered by a Mother who lost her son in the same unfortunate accident in which the kid lost his father.  The emotion that Saritha imbues into that line is reason enough to watch the movie again. 

These two movies – “Agni Saatchi” and “Vedham Pudhidhu” – to me were the highlights of her career that was shaped to a large extent by K Balachander.  He gave her a plethora of roles that gave a new dimension to the word ‘author backed.’ KB, the author and auteur he was, knew how to back the actor who, to her full credit, knew how to effectively project the writer’s thoughts and even present some of KB’s eccentricities on screen in ways that seemed completely beyond the grasp of some other heroines of KB’s (except maybe Suhasini).  “Thappu ThaaLangal,” “Nool Veli,” “Thaneer Thaneer” and “Achamillai Achamillai” all featured Saritha at the peak of her powers.  Even in a much lesser effort such as “Kalyana AgathigaL,” Saritha could still do full justice to what was quite a sketchily developed character. 

But the bigger question that I asked myself as I recounted memories of Saritha’s wonderful performances was whether Tamil cinema can get out of the (mostly male) star dominated cinema that can very rarely carve space for heroines like Saritha who oozed talent, not glamour, who was the pivot around which a movie revolved, not just a cog in a star-studded wheel.  I hope that with talented performers like Aishwarya Rajesh (“Kaaka Muttai”) that writers and directors in Tamil cinema – and more importantly, audiences – will warm up to tales that go deeper into the female psyche and project the pains and pleasures of women in an authentic manner.  The recently released “Iraivi” and “Oru NaaL Koothu” give me hope.  If only actresses in the Saritha mould are allowed to be relevant for a longer time, we can then stop worrying about male stars being paired with heroines half their age! 

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The “AvargaL” scene:

The “Vedham Pudhidhu” moment -- Start watching at 1:20:55 (for the scene that I had mentioned in the third paragraph)

Please, let us not forget about "Iraivi"

When I started thinking about this write-up, I questioned myself on its value.  After all, “Iraivi” is probably out of the theatres by now.  (I watched it legally on HeroTalkies.)  And, I don’t even think it got the kind of rich, unanimous accolades it deserved on the critical front.  So, is this a case of too little, too late?  Probably.  But wait.  That doesn’t really matter, does it?  After all, a movie-going experience is unique for every individual that watches it.  Certain films ‘speak’ to us the way it may not have to others.  And, that is fine, I suppose.  The fact is, “Iraivi” made a TREMENDOUS impact on me.  That’s TREMENDOUS- bold, italicized and underlined.  (Is there another way to emphasize?!)  Let me tell you how and why.

“Iraivi” is the story of three (or rather, four, if you count the small but beautifully etched role of Radha Ravi) men with differing shades of grey and whose impulsiveness, self-absorption and hot headedness wreaks havoc in the lives of the women that care for them.  The director is Karthik Subburaj whose previous works “Pizza” and “Jigarthanda” were smartly written tales with an emphasis on the surprise factor and the desire to inspire our awe but not necessarily strike an emotional chord.  But with “Iraivi,” he completely surprised me, not with a twist necessarily.  But with his ability to be stunningly honest in his characterizations and the dialogues.  Dialogues of incredible depth of emotion, delivered by actors in whom we never knew such shades and nuances existed.  (More on that in a bit.)  There is a scene where a husband asks a wife a question about her fidelity.  The way this scene plays out, the emotions that are on play and the quick lifelike change of tone from playfulness to a dead serious interaction...this is the kind of ‘twist’ that you see in the little scenes and moments in this movie.  If there was a thing called ‘emotional twist’ and not a ‘plot twist,’ this movie is full of them.  And, in those moments of unpredictability, Subburaj creates a gnawing sensation because sequence after brilliant sequence, we are hit with things that are not only unpredictable (mostly) but also seemingly spontaneous.  And, all of this in the make believe world of cinema where we know that it is the most difficult task to make us think that the happenings are based on spur of the moment decisions of certain impetuous fools (these characters, that is) and not the result of thoughtful writing, stunning craft that’s evident in the mood-enhancing cinematography (like the unforgettable rain sequence at the end; cinematography by Sivakumar Vijayan) and the splendid acting. 

Talking of performances, this is an ensemble piece in the truest sense of the word.  Everyone from SJ Suryah, Vijay Sethupathi, Anjali, Pooja Devariya to the smaller characters like Radha Ravi and Cheenu Mohan (from the ‘Crazy’ Mohan troupe of the 80s and 90s, effortlessly essaying a serious part here) are spectacular.  Everyone has at least a moment or a scene where they move us deeply.  Anjali’s ‘Enaku Malar matter theriyadhu-nu nenachiya?’ and SJ Suryah’s phone conversation in the climax take the cake and the toppings when it comes to moments that stayed with me long after the movie ended. 

When a movie like “Iraivi” comes along, there is another reason why I feel so proud of thamizh cinema.  And, that is the blending of form and content.  Being a huge fan of the writings of Baradwaj Rangan, I have come to appreciate the need to go beyond just the written material and employ cinematic tropes to create an ‘experience’ where we walk away thinking about the content and admiring the form.  “Iraivi” is one such experience.  It is impossible to watch this movie and not think of the people in our lives and question our choices and attitudes towards our loved ones.  And, right from the title, this is a movie that shows incredible respect, love and admiration for its female characters.  In this day and age where we talk of the ill effects of having a callous attitude towards stalking, to have a movie that raises uncomfortable questions of men and their attitudes towards women is an achievement in itself.  And talking of the 'form' aspect, there is nothing in the music or the cinematography that distracted me or called attention to itself per se.  But upon reflecting on the movie, I could truly see how the background music in the more tense scenes and the lovely framing of the scenes such as the Anjali-Vijay Sethupathi confrontation with  the most appropriate of close-ups on actors who could do justice to them, added value to this journey that Subburaj takes us on.

So, what is my hope?  I don’t know.  I suppose that I really hope that this movie doesn’t get completely forgotten amidst the plethora of releases that we get hit with every week and the fervor with which audiences lap up horror flicks and star-driven vehicles.  Amidst those star-driven vehicles, I am glad that I took this 'director-driven' journey, which was a roller coaster ride of emotions.  While I wish more people had hopped on to this ride, I am just glad that I had an experience that I will cherish as a die-hard movie fan.  And for that, let me doff my hat to Karthik Subburaj and the “Iraivi” team.  

Inspirations (21 of 25) - The late filmmaker Manivannan

Kadavule ille-nu solra katchikaaran kooda kovil idichadha sarithram kedaiyadhu pa…Kadavul irukudhu-nu solra katchikaaran idikaran paaru...”

That line, written by Manivannan and delivered by Sathyaraj, in “Amaidhi Padai” is symptomatic of a lot of what made Manivannan an important figure in the annals of thamizh cinema history.  Firstly, the mixture of sardonic wit and forthrightness.  Secondly, the disdain for caste obsessed, hypocritical politicians.  And finally, the actor who delivered that line – Sathyaraj.  Sathyaraj has always been lavish in his praise for Manivannan and the role played by him in shaping up his career as an antagonist, anti-hero and as a leading man.  Their professional collaboration and their friendship that lasted till the day Manivannan died, was something unaffected by the highs and lows of their careers.  Above all, the answer to why Manivannan is an inspiration to me than just another writer/director that I admired is a combination of his powerful story lines and sharp, thought provoking dialogues on dicey topics such as corruption, communism and rationalism.  It is because there were - and there are - very few besides him that have demonstrated a deep understanding of these topics and fewer that have had the guts to write about them. 

Special thanks to Ravishanker (pen name Zola) for the cartoon that he created for this post.  His many fantastic cartoons and nostalgic write-ups can be found at https://thezolazone.wordpress.com/ 

Manivannan was extremely prolific as a writer and director in the 80s.  The rate at which he churned out movies meant that there were a clutch of some forgettable movies.  But when he chose a theme that focused on his deep rooted beliefs and when he got actors to do justice to the material, he was in the zone.  To me, the two best movies of his career were “Ini Oru Sudhandhiram” (1987) and “Amaidhi Padai” (1994).  The former, starring Sivakumar, was a moving tale of a freedom fighter who had to fight for his rights long after India achieved Independence.  The latter, of course, featured Sathyaraj in arguably the best villainous role of his career.  If you watch these two movies back to back, you will realize that the movies are as different as night and day.  One is almost an art house drama.  The other one is a mainstream melodrama.  One is a dead serious film.  Another is a heady mix of a satire and a family drama.  But in both movies, Manivannan’s writing sizzles.  The seamless segues in his screenplay, the dazzling array of word plays, the depth and meaningfulness of his thoughts and the free flowing nature of the expression of his thoughts were all uniquely his.  Also, at his best, Manivannan was a master of economy of scenes.  For instance, in “Amaidhi Padai,” to establish the uneasy truce under which the husband (Sathyaraj Senior) and his wife (Sujatha) live in a house, he came up with just one scene.  It is the scene where a party man visits his house, requesting Sathyaraj to name his newborn child.  And when Sathyaraj hands over the infant to Sujatha asking her to bestow a name upon the child, she names the child Thaayama, the innocent girl that Sathyaraj cheated in his youth!  Sathyaraj stares furiously at Sujatha for a second but quickly smiles since he is unable to react in the presence of others.  To add insult to injury, Sujatha then asks him to whisper Thaayama in the ears of the child three times!  In this and many other sequences like the unforgettable election sequence, Sathyaraj was in stupendous form.  It is no overstatement to say that they were the Martin Scorsese-Robert de Niro pair of thamizh cinema.  Both parties in the duo were good on their own but when working together, they generated sparks that were of the highest voltage!

Manivannan inspired me in two ways – to love all things thamizh and to think about sticky issues that pervade our society.  He rarely did this in a preachy manner.  (I was quite stunned when actor Prashanth mentioned to me that Manivannan came to the shooting spot with nothing written on paper.  He would pen dialogues on the spot!  How he could pen such sharp, thought provoking lines in quick time is astounding to think about.)  In the brilliant jaathi kalavaram sequence in “Amaidhi Padai,” he highlighted the unfairness of the caste system and the exploitation of caste differences by politicians.  Sample this exchange:
Manivannan: “Indha Jaathi Karumaandharatha Yaaru Kandu Pidichavan?”
Sathyaraj: “Mandhram Oadharavanga Kandu Pidichaange…Adha Mandhiri maarunga gettiya pudichikitaange!”
Manivannan: “Apo indha jaathi-ya ozhuchitta makkal sandhosham-a irupaange pola irukkey!”
Sathyaraj: “Jananga sandosham-a irupaange…naama thaan soathuku dingi adikonum!”

It made you laugh.  But it also made you think.  That was the success of Manivannan.  His untimely passing away (he was 58) three years ago was not just the death of a man.  It was the death of intelligent satire in thamizh cinema.  And, it was the death of bold rational thought and free expression of such thoughts.  For that, we have to mourn even more than just for the death of a person.  But as Sathyaraj said in a movie, “Puratchikaaran Pudhaika Padarthille…Vedhaika Padraan.”  With just a handful of his creations, he certainly did sow the seeds of meaningful thinking in thousands of Tamilians.  And in that harvest were also sown the seeds of his immortality.  

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PS: This write-up was decidedly focused on Manivannan, the writer/director and not the actor since it was the former that truly 'inspired' me.  

Inspirations - An audio interview with Anu Hasan, author of “Sunny Side Up”

Note: Usually my "Inspirations" write-ups are essays about the subjects of my inspiration.  This one is a little different - it is a Skype audio interview.  Please read on for a bit of context before you get to the audio link below.

Early Morning Sunshine

At 5:28 am this Sunday, two minutes before the start of our scheduled Skype call, I texted Anu Hasan – “Remembered your driver anecdote, which is why I didn’t call early J”  One of the hilarious anecdotes captured in her lovely, sunny book - the aptly titled “Sunny Side Up” - is one involving a driver from a production company.  Known for her amazing punctuality, Anu had had a tough time repeatedly giving this driver instructions that he had to pick her up at 7:45 am.  7:45 am! NOT 7:25 am, certainly not 7:55 am!  This was fresh on my mind ever since she committed to a call at 11:30 am UK time on Sunday (5:30 am in Chicago, where I had traveled to for a conference.)  Let’s rewind to a couple of months back…

The moment I finished reading “Sunny Side Up,” I instantly knew that it was the third non-fiction book, after Randy Pausch’s “The Last Lecture” and Sheena Iyengar’s “The Art of Choosing”, that made me hold a mirror to myself and look intently.  In my opinion, when a piece of literature does something to you, you thank the author.  And, thank them properly.  I wanted to go a step further.  I wanted to understand deeper why I was feeling certain changes in myself.  I had shared my  review with her on Twitter, which she responded to, very kindly.  And, when my wife suggested that I request her for an interview, I did.  And, much to my joy, she promptly agreed.  

Thank you, Anu, for your time.  And, for all the 'sunshine' J 

Here's the link to a youtube playlist that contains the audio of our conversation.  Below the link, I have included the list of files in the playlist in case you want to pick and choose topics.  Below are also a couple of quick references (to things in the conversation) for those that may not be familiar with her book or her recent interviews.  Take a look at these before listening to the audio so that you can follow along. 

Jacob – One of the unforgettable chapters in the book is the one on her friends, one of whom was Jacob, who passed away very young (in an unfortunate accident).  She outlines a checkered yet fascinating relationship that came to an abrupt end owing to a cruel quirk of fate. 

The BITS Pilani Advice  – Anu Hasan’s father gave her a terrific piece of advice when she called him from BITS Pilani during her first year.  She admits to venting her frustrations only to be asked by her Dad, “Why do you think I sent you there?”  When she innocently responded, “…to study,” he told her, “No, I sent you there to learn about life.  You just did.”

List of Audio Files in the Playlist:

1. Introduction and about "Sunny Side Up."
2. Writing Non-Fiction - Cathartic or Difficult?
3. The Inner Voice called 'Rationale'
4. The 'Triggers' of Temper
5. Dealing with People that wear a Mask of Smugness
6. Fitness - A journey to be enjoyed
7. Essaying a Role Effectively
8. Balancing Creativity and Efficiency

Links to Anu’s Youtube channel and Facebook page:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClOkNGOl_RHJ59obuz4mMUg

https://www.facebook.com/anu.hasan.uk/

Free Yourself To Be Generous

My maternal grandma turned 80 on Monday.  After I wished her on the phone, my mind harked back to my school and college days when I would have a bunch of friends over.  Looking back, I feel like I used to take her generosity for granted.  The generosity with which she cooked a sumptuous meal or served steaming hot filter coffee (Idhu Bru ille ma!) or bournvita for my friends.  The warmth with which she would chat with them, inquiring about their family members and most importantly, being lavish in her praise for what they achieved as students.  These are things that just came so naturally- and continue to come spontaneously- to her.  As I grew up, as I stepped out of that comfort zone that my family had afforded me, I have had the fortune of getting to know some wonderful, salt of the earth people.  Invariably, I have also gotten exposed to folks in my personal and professional lives that aren’t going to win any awards for generosity!  It is when I introspect enough do I realize and appreciate what was in plain sight – in people like my grandma- that I was blind to, in my formative years.  This is in no way meant to suggest that I am as generous as say my grandma is.  I am fully aware of my shortcomings as a person.  But I’d like to think that I learn from not only my mistakes but also the failings of those in my social circles.  And, two things that I have realized over the years are (1) Being sincerely generous in praise requires one to feel fully secure of oneself and (2) You will never, ever lose a thing by praising a well-deserving peer in any setting.  These may not necessarily be truisms.  But as I reflect about what I like to see in others, over the past few years, these are values that I believe in unquestioningly. 

One of my past acquaintances – planting my tongue firmly in cheek, let’s call this person Mr. G (for generosity!) – had this habit of never acknowledging a single piece of good news.  I once shared with him the news of my getting promoted at work.  In response, G helpfully pointed out the clunky office furniture in my past job and how he felt a little relieved for me now!  If this were an isolated instance, I would not have been hasty in judging him for what might have been intended as a small joke.  But this was one of several instances where I could see this person having the heart to speak in praise of his close family members but not so for others.  On certain occasions where I might have shared a piece of good news, there would be puzzling silence and an absence of any response at all.  (FYI, I think I’d take silence over a bad joke!)  Over time, this repeated behavior made me question not only this person’s generosity but also whether G was truly secure and contented.  On the other end of the spectrum, one of my uncles is quite a reticent person.  But as a man of few words, he is extremely sincere in praise even if the words are limited, sans frills.  He is honest when talking about a person’s faults and unfailingly courteous when providing any constructive feedback.  I would attribute it to how comfortable he is with himself.  That quiet self-confidence, I have seen, goes a long way in making one feel genuinely happy for others.  It’s not about the words as long as your genuineness is realized by the recipient of your gestures.

If I were to be brutally honest about myself, I’d say that it was my years as a business school student (from 2007 to 2009) when my thoughts on generosity became better fleshed out and I could evolve as a person, not just as a student.  Prior to going to b-school, when I was much younger, there were periods when I was not as generous in my feelings towards others.  But as I worked extremely hard as an undergraduate student and as a professional (for five years, until I quit my job to do an MBA, in ’07), I was able to develop more confidence in myself.  And, as a b-school student, I began to read a lot about maximizing your own potential.  And, professors like Dr. Robert Kelley (author of the fantastic book, “How to be a star at work”; I have written about him in my Inspirations series as well) spoke about how you become a star not because of what you are born with but because of how you use what you have.  These kinds of positive thoughts helped me erase a lot of self-doubts that had plagued me a bit even when I was successful in my undergrad years or as a professional, prior to my MBA.  And, it’s not as though I have not had to face adversities in any aspect of my life.  I have, like anyone else.  But regardless of my own personal or professional highs or lows, I continue to make sincere attempts to be generous towards others while I work towards two things - contentment with what I am blessed with (i.e, the ‘uncontrollable’ elements) and a commitment towards achieving what I want to achieve (with my ‘controllable’ traits).  And, back to the second point that I had raised earlier, when I am secure with myself, I have never felt that I have lost anything or disadvantaged myself when I am generous towards someone, being happy for what they may have done or what may have been handed to them. 

In essence, as soon as you free yourself from the shackles of self-imposed mental barriers or self-doubt, one can truly feel happy for and more generous towards others with their emotions.  That way, we don’t have to say that they don’t make them like my grandma anymore!  Maybe one day, G will stand for generosity even when I take my tongue off my cheek!

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A related post on this topic, one that’s very well-written (by Rahini David):

https://femininetosh.wordpress.com/2016/04/06/on-paying-compliments/

My phone call with Suresh Krissna (the director of Aaha)

If you know the title of the book co-written by film director Suresh Krissna, you will realize the small irony of the title (and the film mentioned in the title) of this post!  Krissna's book was titled, “My days with Baasha.”  In that book, he lovingly recollects many of the behind-the-scenes moments of his four movies with Rajni - Annamalai, Veera, Baasha and Baba.  But to me, the crown jewel of Krissna’s career - and, I said this to him - has been Aaha.  And, at the very least, I wanted to do two things in this call with him – to express my admiration for the movie.  And, to learn a bit about how he approaches his craft.  Only a few days ago, I had requested him for a 30-minute call.  (Special thanks to Rekhs for introducing me to Krissna.)  And, he kindly agreed.  10 minutes before the agreed start time of our call, I received a message from him that read, “Hi Ram, I am ready…10 min before schedule…U take ur time J”  Continuing in the same vein, in our call, he came across as extremely warm, humble, generous in his praise of his team members and pragmatic about the evolution of cinema and television in recent years. 

In recollecting his experiences of making Aaha, he credits the late Ananthu (who was K Balachander’s Man Friday and Kamal Hassan’s guru; as an aside, Krissna was a KB protégé) with planting the genesis of a movie that would be markedly different from the kinds of movies that Krissna was making till then.  When we spoke, he fondly referred to Ananthu as a “walking encyclopedia” who invested him with varied perspectives based on his rich exposure to world cinema.  At the same time that Ananthu was goading him to step out of his comfort zone, Krissna also had a producer (R Mohan) approach him to do a “nice, compact, sweet film.”  And, the result of the Suresh Krissna (story, screenplay, direction) -Ananthu (co-screenplay writer) - Crazy Mohan (dialogues) combination was, of course, a film that was way beyond just a nice, compact, sweet film – it was a deeply sensitive, genuinely funny, touching tale with some remarkably lifelike characters. 

Click on the link below to hear Krissna’s 10-minute story of how Aaha came to be made as well as the touching story of a fan whose real life situation resembled the climactic portions of Aaha but not quite:

Changing gears, I was interested in hearing about his experiences working with character actors.  I asked him this question since I have noticed that his films have had some stellar performances by actors in character roles – Manorama in Annamalai, Sarat Babu in Vedan, pretty much everyone in Aaha (!) and so on.  He spoke fondly of the nurturing that he had received when he had apprenticed under KB and how the latter would focus on extracting something noteworthy from the smallest of actors.  And, talking of character actors, to me, the best part of my conversation was when Krissna spoke of Raghuvaran.  It was extremely touching to hear the pain and affection in his voice when he spoke of his friend.

In the clip below, he speaks of his friendship with Raghuvaran as well as his experience in working with Manivannan in Sangamam (another great role and a wonderful performance).

I was also interested in hearing about his rapport with cinematographers since certain films of his have had absolutely top notch production values but don’t always get lauded for them.  And, from his response, I could gather why.  He spoke of how, for instance, cinematography should serve a purpose and not call out attention to itself.  He gave me the example of Aaha where the primary purpose of the camera was to give a feeling that we were in the house with those lovable characters.  So, the framing of the foreground and background and how characters came in and out of the frame was to take away the feeling of a stage drama (given the extensive interior scenes in the movie) and instead, give a feeling that you were in the midst of people that were behaving naturally, not acting out a scene.  I haven’t seen the Telugu remake of Aaha but he mentioned that the Gokulakshtami sequence in this version was done in one, uninterrupted 10-min shot!

In the clip below, he talks about cinematography that serves a purpose:

Towards the end of our conversation, we spoke of his recent work in television.  It was reassuring to hear that one of his goals was to take his sense of aesthetics to the small screen.   And, one of his other attempts is to blur the lines between the silver and the small screens.  To this end, he has made a movie titled, Hitler: Engirundho Vandhaan (shot in nine days, replete with two songs) that will be telecast on Zee Tamizh on May 29 at 3:00 pm.  It features seasoned veterans like Delhi Ganesh and Devyani along with newcomers.  Knowing his work, I am sure it will be a well-written, well-made film.  Below is a teaser:

As we inched towards the 30-min point of our conversation (that he had agreed to), he realized - without my saying it out loud - that I had a few more questions left!  And, he graciously agreed to giving me 15 more minutes.  I was bowled over by his kind gesture.  A day after the call, I listened to the recording (of our call).  Above everything else, what struck me was the gratitude, affection and recognition that he accorded to everyone that he had worked with, starting with his gurus KB and Ananthu to every actor and technician he had worked with, without an iota of rancor about anyone whatsoever.  After I listened to the recording, I finally realized where all the kindness, warmth and feel good vibes in Aaha came from!

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Images Courtesy of Suresh Krissna's website - http://www.sureshkrissna.in/ ; Youtube videos of Aaha; www. royalisai.net 

A Mother’s Day Prayer for women that long to be a Mother

First things first: earlier today, I wished my mother, my mother-in-law and my wife.  I am completely respectful of all of the love and affection that they shower upon me and my son.  But here’s the thing - this post is not about them.  I have wished them personally today.  I have prayed for their well-being, in private.  But I will have to write about them later in a separate post.  This post is about those women that I know (and frankly, even for those women that I don’t know personally; after all, this is meant to be a prayer) that have not been blessed with a child of their own and yearn for one.  Amidst all the pink balloons, greeting cards, twitter messages and facebook posts that have been flying thick and fast today, I’d like to spare a moment to think about some of the wonderful women that I have known that have gone through deep anguish, feelings of hurt, moments of loneliness and even the feeling of being let down by the Almighty as they continue to long for a child of their own.  It’s just not fair.  Without exception, these are wonderful people, blessed with the kindness of heart, generosity of spirit and I dare say, a truly, deeply maternal attitude that they extend to those that may have not been their biological children but nevertheless...The very least I can do is to be acknowledging of a vacuum that they may have experienced in their lives and pray to God to not let them down any more. 

(Three quick notes before I proceed any further– (1) Since today is ‘Mother’s Day,’ I am writing about women, though I have also seen men go through equal amount of suffering.  (2) This post is not about women who have chosen not to have children.  I am absolutely respectful of their choices.  This is just about women that have longed for a child but haven’t been blessed with one yet.  (3) I am taking the topic of adoption off the table.  It is an extremely personal topic for the people concerned that I don’t feel right to include it in this post which is more of a lament and a dirge.)

When I was in my teens, following my grandpa’s death, I went through a rather long, painful phase when I began questioning the existence of God.  I just could never fathom his sudden passing away.  As a kid, it felt totally unfair that my grandma went to the Srinivasa Perumal Temple in Mylapore every goddamn day (pun intended for sure) and yet God felt the need to take away my grandpa one fine day in a freak accident when he was only 61.  Many people tried to ‘explain’ things to me.   I got some well-meaning advice from people who either spouted clichés (“Mysterious are the ways of the Lord”) or said things that felt downright inane (“Maybe your grandpa would have suffered from health issues later in life and God didn’t want that.”  Yeah right, I thought!).  None of that swayed me the right way towards comfort or closure until I had a thought that gave me a reasonable amount of closure years later, when I was in my mid 20s.  And that thought was, I don't have to believe that God is perfect.  The moment I started taking the perfection element out of God from my mind, the better fleshed out my spirituality and piety became.  And that is because my response to any suffering experienced by my near and dear is, “Dear God, you have let person X down.  Could you please fix it?”  Actor Parthiban once wrote a wonderful line, “Uruvam Thavirthu Unara Thodangu…Kaadhalo…Kadavulo.”  Of course, if my prayers were so potent, I would not be writing a post like this where I continue to see people suffer.  But that ‘unarvu’ part that Parthiban writes about is what I experience deeply, intensely.  That form of a silent prayer is the only way that I can feel less indignant and more hopeful.  Any discourse or defense of the Lord as a 'perfect' superpower drives me up the wall.  I may be right, I may be wrong.  But as paradoxically as it may sound, the lack of deifying the Lord is the only way I get comfort out of an unknown force when I see my fellow human beings suffer in myriad ways, one of which is prolonged longing for a child of their own.

Since this is an extremely sensitive topic, I don’t want to mention names or even define any characteristics of specific people.  But there’s one person I know in a professional setting, who has always been a fantastic leader.  She has always cared for her team deeply, made sure that they felt a sense of belonging and that she did everything she could to back them and make them maximize their potential.  She does not have any children of her own.  Truth to be told, I have never heard her speak much about this.  But on multiple occasions, I had seen deep hurt in her eyes when someone asked if she had children.  It used to amaze me the enthusiasm with which she organized baby showers at work for her team members before they would go on maternity leave.  It will be no exaggeration to state that she treated her team members with an almost maternal attitude.  During any of her team members’ personal crises, she was a rock solid pillar of support…like a mother.  Since this is an extremely delicate topic, I have never and would never be able to say out loud to her that she can consider me a son that she never had.  But I have tried my best to be as nice to her as possible and as reciprocal of her generosity as I can.  So, in a way, I don’t need to say it out loud to her; I can possibly try to speak louder with sincere actions and thoughtful gestures the way she has always interacted with her team members

It is when I think of people like these that I feel like beseeching the Almighty: if we mortals are HIS children, should HE not give his children – that want to be blessed with children of their own – the joys of creation that HE experiences when we enter this world?  I fully realize that this is a loaded question, the answer to which I will never receive from any trusted source!  But as I wrote earlier, instead of searching for answers, I will continue to pray to the unknown force above me to not let his children down.  And, I will continue to place the women, like my former colleague, on an even loftier pedestal than I place the unknown force above me.  I don’t mean to sound sacrilegious.  It’s simple logic – I am sorry to say but I have seen more perfection in these children of the Lord than I have seen in the Lord HIMSELF.