Year-Round Lights

It is that time of the year.  The holiday lights gradually get turned off.  Work kicks off in top gear.  Plus, I am not a fan of the winter.  I don’t especially care for shoveling snow or wearing so many layers of clothing that I sometimes feel like even a sweaty Spiderman suit will not be a much worse option.  I can’t complain about the weather this season - it has been quite bearable.  But as I look back at 2018, I am happy that it’s over.  My grandma’s massive heart attack exactly a year ago – yes, 24 hours into 2018, we were already dealing with a crisis – and her subsequent passing on in May cast a rather long shadow on the rest of the year.  Her passing on reinforced one of my beliefs about my kind of grieving– that as time progresses, the pain of separation from the departed increases rather than dwindling.

“I am sure that the path that lies before you will have moments of joy and this pain will slowly be pushed away by time."  These were the first words of an e-mail that my mentor had sent me at the time of a personal tragedy several years ago.  I derived great comfort out of that line at the time.  But as you can see, it is quite the opposite of how I feel about the departed.  Whenever I think of people that have left me, I think of how I have several decades ahead without their sunny, comforting presence.  Yes, I do realize that elders, as much as I hate it, have to go sometime.  I realize that it is one of the most certain of certainties.  And in the case of my grandma, I did get comfort out of the fact that she had lived a long life, been part of all of my life’s highs and lows until her clock decided to stop ticking.  Add to that the fact that she had suffered quite a bit in the last couple of years of her life physically and mentally (her daughter predeceased her in 2016) meant that her death felt like deliverance from pain.

But let’s go back to my mentor’s words for a moment.  It is the very process of going through the pain that has helped me realize that regardless of when or whether any pain gets truly “pushed away by time” it is a set of meaningful relationships that is the primary source of the “moments of joy” that he mentioned.  It is true that I get immense happiness from things like a well-made movie, a thought provoking book or a project well-executed at work.  Not all of my happiness is dependent on people around me.  But I realized that be it with my near and dear, extended family or friends, having heart-to-heart conversations, sharing moments of vulnerability, receiving authentic affection, getting thoughtful advice were all gifts that I received in abundance this year. 

The true magic of connection happens when a bond is established at a significantly deep part of the mind.  It is a lot more reliable and enduring than surface-level frivolity.  This is not to say that life is all about meditative stuff – boy, that would be the real-life equivalent of a badly made art film!  I am just saying that where there is true depth of emotion, the moments of fun get amplified.  In such cases, the scents of memories grow increasingly fragrant with time.  Else, the fun is akin to the fragrance of a perfume – pleasant but transient.  And I am fortunate that in 2018, I have had the fortune of spending quality time with people that have lent my year immense meaning.  As much as I realize that inner strength is what truly endures, they have been external forces that have given me strength when I needed it the most.  Some through words, some through gestures, some by virtue of just being there - sometimes that’s all it takes.  Of course, I always hope that I reciprocate all of that.  But this is about them, not me. 

I realize that I have not gone into any specifics about the kind of impact that people have made on me.  I have not mentioned names or identified people by relationships.  If you will, excuse me this one time for being more general than specific.  In this write-up, I really wanted to capture the vibe that 2018 leaves me with – amidst waves of despair and suffering that fate can sometimes hurl at us, meaningful relationships are a bulwark that we can rely on.  That is the brightness that lights up dark days.  That is the incandescence that makes us see and sense inner glow all year round, not just during the holiday season.    

Happy 2019, folks!

***